


The Truth about Trains

by kyrieanne



Series: Trains Series [1]
Category: Lizzie Bennet Diaries
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-04 06:10:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/707413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyrieanne/pseuds/kyrieanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lizzie was a girl her father taught her the truth about trains.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth about Trains

**Author's Note:**

> Post-Pemberley Arc.

When Lizzie was a girl her father taught her the truth about trains. 

“It’s about the connections, Lizzie,” he said, “you’ve got to get them right or the whole thing falls apart.” 

He was talking about model trains of course but what he said stuck with Lizzie. 

After she left her father to his bridges and tiny trees the words rattled around for a long time and, until Lydia, Lizzie believed she was good at connections. It was what she did. She was a grad student. People. Ideas. Categories. Truths. These were the cards she dealt in every day. 

But then Lydia happened and Lizzie realized that knowing and seeing are two different things. The first relies upon facts; the second in connections. Until Lydia, Lizzie had conflated the two and believed herself skilled in the art of knowing. But then she held her baby sister in her arms and they trembled together. 

“Why didn’t he love me, Lizzie?” 

There was no answer because his love hadn’t been love at all. It was mere shadow where there was supposed to be light. So Lizzie offered the only fact she knew. 

“I love you Lydia. I’m sorry I wasn’t there before, but I’m here now. I love you.” 

Wrapping her arms around Lydia, tucking her into the concave of her shoulder, tethers sister to sister in a new way. It is Lydia’s tears on the sleeve of Lizzie’s sweatshirt. It is Jane steeping tea at 2:00 a.m. when none of the Bennet sisters can sleep. It is a dozen rounds of Dance, Dance and half a dozen broken dishes to distract Mom. And it is returning to things sisters do together like painting their nails and watching bad reality television even if bigger, more important questions hang in the corners. Right now, the most important thing is to watch Dance Moms and that Housewives show. 

These things are fibers in their tentative new connection and suddenly Lizzie doesn’t want Lydia to grow up. She doesn’t want to grow up herself. She wants to stay sisters who make a blanket fort together in the living room and hang twinkle lights inside so they can sleep beneath the stars. She takes that copy of A Party Girl’s Guide to Growing Up still buried in the bottom of her closet and throws it into the outside trash bin. Even though she is alone Lizzie bows to the driveway in dramatic fashion. She feels the importance of the moment. 

From Lydia, Lizzie finally begins to learn that you can know the facts of the world, but see little of reality. You’ve got to make the connections to the rest of the story. 

*** 

_“The names of the stations begin to take on meaning and my heart trembles. The train stamps and stamps onward. I stand at the window and hold on to the frame. These names mark the boundaries of my youth.”_

-Erich Maria Remarque, _All Quiet on the Western Front_

***

“I’m proud of you Gigi.” 

He means it more than his tone conveys, but Gigi understands that. Darcy knows she understands that. They hadn’t always gotten along and their opposite temperaments mean they will always struggle to understand one another. He is reticent and private. She is effusive and quick to trust. But both of them feel deeply. That marks them as the same. 

“Gigi is good for you Darce,” Fitz told him once, “she keeps you young.” 

He protested that wasn’t a quality he really wanted and Fitz just laughed. 

“Trust me, it’s a good thing.” 

Darcy has always taken his responsibility toward people very seriously. After their parents died, he had to be both brother and parent. He had to fill the gaps for not just one person, but two. He erred on the side of over protectiveness. He focused so much on Gigi having everything in her childhood that he forgot to stop seeing her as a child. And once you are entrenched in one attitude for so long it is hard to find a way out. 

But he smiles when he tells her he is proud. He smiles on purpose because he wants he to see he is learning. He is trying to step back and see her as the young woman she is, fully grown and maturing more every day. He hopes she can see all of that in his smile. 

***

When Darcy says he is making amends he means it. He has a plan. Darcy always has a plan. 

The one time he didn’t have one was when he burst into that office at Collins & Collins. Then he had no expectations. He blundered forward like a drunk fool. He just had to say it and for once he was just going to jump off a cliff and see what happened. He fell in love with Lizzie Bennet despite his plan not to. 

And from that terrible experience he learned it was always best if he had a plan. 

So after his conversation with Gigi, the first thing Darcy does is call Bing. 

“We need to talk…” 

***

Lizzie makes herself promise not to cry when Jane leaves. She licks her lips and fists her hands as Jane and Bing load up her car. There are suitcases and boxes and Jane’s stuffed rabbit is smushed against the rear window. It’s face is pressed to the glass and when Lizzie notices it she almost breaks her promise. 

They used to have tea parties with their stuffed animals. Lizzie has a matching frog and Lydia a cat. Once, Lizzie got mad because animals don’t drink tea. To be more realistic they should have carrots and flies and milk in their cups. Jane had murmured, “Everyone deserves tea,” and that was the end of it. 

But Lizzie doesn’t go back on her word easily. She hugs Jane close and fast. She tells herself this isn’t really goodbye, but a see you later. Jane wasn’t moving out as much as she was traveling to the next station in life. She’d just be a few stops down the road. 

“Lizzie,” Bing says when she hugs him. He steps back and makes sure to catch her eyes, “good luck. With everything. I really mean that.” 

She nods even though she doesn’t understand and lets him go. She stands on the stoop with Lydia and they watch Jane back her car out of the driveway. Bing is in the passenger seat and when the car gets to the end of the drive Lizzie sees the glance he exchanges with Jane. It is a weighted glance with wide smiles and full eyes. They are excited and now that they are at the end of the driveway their adventure really begins. 

“Hey, Mary and I are going to the mall,” Lydia knocks Lizzie with her hip. Jane’s taillights are growing smaller down their street, “do you wanna come?” 

Lizzie promised herself she wouldn’t cry, but it feels like her childhood is slipping away from her. Charlotte and Jane have found their place in the world. Lydia is healing and learning. She is growing up. But Lizzie…Lizzie has a video blog and a partial thesis and no idea what to do next. She is going no where. 

She shakes her head, “No, not today.” 

*** 

_“Time goes faster the more hollow it is. Lives with no meaning go straight past you, like trains that don’t stop at your station.”_

\- Carlos Ruiz Zafon, _The Shadow of the Wind_

*** 

Darcy tries to focus. Really he does. They are expanding Domino and there is lots to do. Reynolds argues for Gigi to take on a new role at Pemberley and though in the past Darcy would have shot it down - Gigi needed to go to grad school - he suggest Reynolds pitch it to his sister. Whatever they decide together he will approve. 

He tries to focus, but time slips away from him and he finds himself losing minutes thinking about Lizzie. Her time at Pemberley had been so brief that he doesn’t know why it felt like forever and nothing at the same time. He re-watches the videos of her stay and that somehow makes it worse. His memory is one thing, but the videos are visual, certifiable proof. There had been something there and now it was gone. 

“She would have said yes,” Gigi shrugs one night. She and Fitz are over for dinner. Darcy doesn’t cook, but he can order take out like the best of them. His sister leans on the island in his kitchen and sips her wine. 

“Absolutely. Did you see her face when he told her it would be just them?” Fitz steals a fortune cookie from the bag. 

“You realize I am right here,” Darcy says. 

“And we’re not interfering. We are just discussing,” Gigi grins, “The videos are posted on the Internet. We have just as much right to fangirl over the two of you as anyone else on the Internet.” 

Darcy says nothing. He doesn’t want to encourage them and continues to plate the food. 

Fitz grins, “Did you see her expression when Jane asked her about Pemberley?” 

“It was….nice,” Gigi imitates, “I actually had to stop the video I was screeching so much. ” 

“Or when she talked about the what ifs?” 

“Dying. I was dying.” 

“It’s obvious she has feelings.” Fitz eyes Darcy, “She just needs a little encouragement.” 

But Darcy isn’t going to rise to the bait. He hands his friend a plate of food. 

“Dinner is ready,” he says. 

Later, after both of them have left, Darcy stays up well past midnight trying to catch up on work. He is losing time thanks to Lizzie. First minutes and then hours are eclipsed and now suddenly his work doesn’t satisfy the way it once did. He wants to talk about it with her. It is an odd desire.One he hasn’t had before. But he finds himself wondering what her point of view on Domino might be. How she would use the platform to tell stories? What kind of content the Internet would engage with? He is losing whole hours thinking about what Lizzie Bennet would think. 

It is the lost time that causes Darcy to alter his plan. 

*** 

Lydia is by no means better, but she seems to know what she needs. She needs time and sisters and friends. Lizzie gives her as much as she can. 

They sit in coffee shops together while Lizzie works on her thesis and Lydia reads romance novels. She isn’t sure they are good for Lydia, but her sister says she likes the easy stories. She needs happy endings right now. 

After dinner they take walks around the neighborhood. Lydia makes up wild stories about their neighbors and they judge people’s lawn art. They abandon sidewalks and tromp through fields in the city parks. Wet leaves stick to their tennis shoes and they come back with red cheeks. The space and silence of their walks are good for Lydia, Lizzie tells herself. 

“Lizzie,” Lydia shuffles her feet. They are in the driveway and the sun is breaching the rim of the horizon. It is that time of night where the light is purple. It hangs like a hazy between the two pine trees that dominate the Bennet front yard. Lizzie used to go and read under those trees. She loves those trees. 

“Yeah.” 

“Would you have said yes?” 

“Yes, to what?” 

“To Darcy. Would you have said yes?” 

Lizzie glances at the yard, to the trees, and remembers herself under them with books filled with love stories. In the stories, heroines always seemed to have a moment where thy realized they loved the guy. There was always an epiphany. Lizzie wishes for such a moment. She wants one because it would mean clarity to her muddled thoughts. 

“I don’t know,” she is honest, “I think so, but I don’t really know.” 

“Would you say yes now?” 

Lizzie jerks her head toward Lydia, “Why?” 

“It’s just you’re still here and I thought you would have…you know gone back by now. To Pemberley.” 

“I told you I am here for you as long as you need me.” 

“What if I’ll be alright without you. I mean…I love having you here, but its okay to go too,” Lydia scrunches up her nose, “I love you, but I’m not going to fall apart without you.” 

Lizzie’s throat tightens. Lizzie is sure Lydia thinks she is helping, but the words hurt. Lydia was the one thing Lizzie could latch on to. Her baby sister needed her. It was the one thing in her life she could say gave her somewhere to go. She had come home because of Lydia, but if Lydia didn’t need her home then what was Lizzie doing? 

“It doesn’t matter,” Lizzie blusters, “I’ve got what I need for my thesis and none of them have contacted me. They’ve moved on. It’s time I do too.” 

Lydia opens her mouth, closes it, and opens it again like she can’t really believe what she is hearing. She touches Lizzie’s arm, “Do you think that is what happened?”

“It’s fact.” 

“You are such a nerd, Lizzie Bennet,” Lydia says, “you can’t even see what is right in front of you. I thought you would have made the connection by now.” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“It was Darcy. All of it was Darcy.” 

***

_“Trains are beautiful. They take people to places they’ve never been, faster than they could ever go themselves. Everyone who works on trains knows they have personalities, they’re like people. They have their own mysteries.”_

\- Sam Starbuck, _The Dead Isle_

*** 

Darcy takes the train because he wants time to think. He needs time to plan what he is going to say. How he is going to make the proposal so she sees it as a partnership and not a favor. It isn’t a favor. He would get as much out of it as she would. 

There is something about the lull of a train that Darcy appreciates. His father had loved trains. Every summer he and his dad would ride the Coast Starlight route. They knocked around Sacramento and Portland, but Darcy favorite moments had been on the train itself. In their compartment the two of them would sit across from one another and read. Sometimes his father would read things out loud and they would talk. His father was always busy with work that Darcy didn’t talk to his dad much. He got used to dealing with things on his own. He learned to rattle around inside his own head. But on those trips father and son had all the time in the world. 

So he takes the train south toward Lizzie and as the cars hurtle mile after mile Darcy plans. 

***

After Lydia tells her about Darcy, Lizzie climbs underneath those pine trees. She sits in the front yard and tries to wrap her mind around it. 

_He had done it for her._

“Lizzie,” her father comes outside with a flashlight. The sun has gone and other than the street lights the neighborhood is dark. Lizzie sits cross-legged beneath the trees. Sap sticks to her palms and she twists a clump of dried palm needles in her hands. “Lizzie,” her dad says, “you need to come inside. You’re mother is starting to worry.” 

“He did it for me,” Lizzie stammers. 

“Who did what?” 

She tells him and some point in the story he sinks down next to her.

“I’m never going to be able to repay him,” her dad says. He looks overwhelmed.

“He wouldn’t want you too,” Lizzie smiles a small smile, “He didn’t want anyone to know.” 

Her father watches her carefully, “Lizzie, I’m just an old man. I know you girls think I don’t see much. That I’m all about my models and pipe, but I’ve seen your videos. That man is in love with you,” he interlaces his hand with Lizzie’s, “and more importantly I think you might be in love with him.” 

“I don’t know what I am,” her voice breaks, “I don’t know where I belong or what I’m supposed to do next. I thought I did, but after this year I can’t be sure of anything. Everything I think seems to be wrong.” 

“I don’t doubt your ability to figure it out,” her father squeezes her hand, “You’ve always been so smart.” 

“Smart doesn’t seem to matter here.” 

“Are you sure?” 

There is a difference between knowing and seeing. Facts don’t help you see better, but seeing enables you to know. And Lizzie needs the facts. She needs to know the reason why Darcy helped them. She sees the evidence of his efforts in the smiles of her sisters, but she needs to hear the reason from him. She needs to know what he feels before she can start to figure out the rest. Before she can move forward on whatever track her life took. 

It’s not really an epiphany, she thinks, but a muddled realization. Her life isn’t a storybook anyways. She doesn’t want to be the heroine as much as she wants just wants to figure out where she belongs.

“Dad,” she says, “how much do you think a plane ticket to San Francisco for tonight is?” 

“A lot.” 

“How about a train ticket?” 

“Less.” 

“I’m going to need you to take me to the train station.”

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a companion story in which Darcy & Lizzie will actually interact.


End file.
